And I don’t mean the Miami Heat, although their loss in the NBA Finals caused a lot of pain in Miami… Just a quick look at the headlines over the last few days shows some disturbing trends. Is it all heat-related, or are people just plain goin’ crazy? Farm Thieves Target Grapes, Bees Bees? Really? How badly must your brains be boiled to burgal some bees? I can see the Bee-thieves now in a Honey-colored van staking out the beekeeper’s digs… “Oh, man–it’ll be Honey-Nut Cheerios for years to come once we snatch them bees!” Who tries to steal something that can sting them? Screw stealing cars, jewelry, or electronic equipment–there’s liquid gold in them hives! Stunned Straphangers Look On As Women Brawl Over Seat On L Train In Brooklyn I take the subway almost every day, and it’s like a sauna in some of the stations. But the cars themselves are usually very comfortable with very strong Air Conditioning keeping you cool. But not cool enough for these two fine ladies. Brawling over a seat on the subway? I’ve sat on those seat–they’re nothing special. So they’re duking it out while one of the kids in a stroller goes rolling away on the subway. Heat will make you do that, apparently. I’d guess this fight wasn’t really over a seat–probably more like someone dissed somebody’s baby-daddy or something like that. Now they’re YouTube Superstars… Men Use Tin Foil, Ladder To Scam Gas Station Not sure if this one’s really heat-related but I find it so fascinating that I had to include it. Basically, two dudes climb up on the roof of a gas station / mini-mart, put tinfoil over the satellite dish that transmits credit card information, and then go on a shopping spree. The credit card seems to work, but the information is never received by the processing company, and the cashier at the mini-mart has no idea this is going on. Two points: 1) Amazing how crafty and innovative people can be when it comes to theft. 2) All this craftiness and innovation and you hit a gas station mini-mart? Why not a Macy’s or a Tiffany’s? Thieves Snatching Natomas Storm Drain Grates Another genius job. Thieves stealing cast-iron storm grates in California. I guess they’re just taking everything that isn’t literally nailed down as California spirals into the abyss. Value of each storm drain after melting down the iron: 1¢. Cost to replace the storm drain: $63. I don’t get it either. Man allegedly fires gun after girlfriend rejects proposal I guess this feller’ aint takin’ no for an answer. Some people take the meaning of the term “Shotgun Wedding” a little too literally. I hear the bride will be wearing a stunning dress from the Donna Karan Kevlar collection. Send your cards, flowers, and shotgun shells to the Hobart, Indiana Mensa Chapter.

Keep your cool, kiddos! -MM

Original Story here http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/07/12/no-small-fries-restaurant-bans-kids-under-six-years-old/

Ah, what a spot of good news!  Here’s a win for adults tired of having to deal with the far-too-common annoyance of out of control children in public places.  Finally, a restaurateur with some common sense! 

“Beginning July 16, 2011, McDain’s Restaurant will no longer admit children under six years of age. We feel that McDain’s is not a place for young children. Their volume can’t be   controlled and many, many times, they have disturbed other customers.”

Oh, I wish I was closer to Monroeville, Pa. so I could frequent this fine establishment!  Now, for all of you parents with small children who are “offended” by this sentiment–get over it!  There used to be a time, technically not so long ago, when children were taught how to behave in public–and if they couldn’t, the parent would remove them.  But now, “Social Embarrassment” or “manners” are a thing of the past so rather than allow out of control kids and their self-centered parents ruin the dining experience of adults, the owner of this restaurant has instituted a policy to enforce simple common sense and courtesy.  Pretty pathetic that you have to have rules about common sense and courtesy, huh?

But that’s America in 2011.  A nation of self-centered jackasses and nincompoops worshiping Snookie and getting tattoos all over their bodies, including their faces.  Aren’t they soooo cool?  Gee, wonder why they can’t get a decent job?  That’s OK, here’s your Food Stamps and Section 8 Housing Voucher–the “squares” will pay your way, Fonzie!   Hey, you deserve it, you’re special!

Seriously, you’d never have to have such rules just 20 years ago–people still had a sense of dignity about themselves.  But not now–oh no, no way!  Try and tell Slobbo McGuillicutty and his baby-momma to keep their kids under control and you’re angling for a beating, yo!  How dare you “diss” Slobbo!  So, Slobbo and the baby-momma make spectacles of themselves while everyone’s evening is ruined.  But that’s a good night for Slobbo and the gang–they busted up your nice night real good!  What a great country we live in!

Now, many people might say “I teach my kids manners and they’re always well behaved in public” – maybe so, but that’s not good enough!  Since there are so many others who refuse to discipline their kids, everyone now must suffer.  This is what happens when society breaks down.  Common courtesy and social graces disappear, and rules and laws have to be adopted to keep people from killing each other.  Wonderful.  Some might think this is a bit draconian–really?  You can’t even smoke in a BAR in most places in this country and you think this is draconian? Just be quiet.

And it’s not just the kids–their parents can be just as awful in their behavior.  How many times have you been in a decent establishment only to have a group of “Fellas” next to you dropping “F-bombs”, “MF-bombs”, and (especially here in NYC) “MF’n N-word bombs” as if they were talking about the weather?  Real nice if your trying to have a civilized time with a date, or perhaps your elderly parents or grandparents.  Apparently, public vulgarity is the new “black”.

Hopefully one day we can lure all of these “types” of people into one area with the promise of “free stuff” and the vulgarity they can muster–someplace nobody likes and is a dump anyway, like Detroit–and when they’re all in, put a big wall around it and never let them out.  We can air-drop food and supplies every month and watch them fight it out for the provisions on TV via Pay-Per-View.  That’ll solve the debt crisis right there. 

So parents, take your kiddies to Chuck-e-Cheese or McDonald’s and let them scream and yell all they want while you’re zonked on Ambiens….just don’t take them to decent restaurants and adult establishments–oh, and spring for the couple of bucks and hire a sitter the next time you go to a movie for God’s sake!

-MM

This is a fitting post for the upcoming 4th of July weekend-basically this distinctly human trait of ruining anything that’s good.  Look at our own country; had a great thing going then we all just sat back while politicians raped the treasury and bribed certain segments of the population with other people’ s money in exchange for their votes.   We are now so far in debt it will be impossible to dig out.  For those of you thinking a “recovery” is coming, well get over it.  Massive poverty, riots, and the breakdown of society is already here and it will continue to get worse.  There is no solution.

Now that I’ve brightened your day with a clear-eyed assessment of how people will destroy anything successful, let’s turn to an everyday example that everyone can relate to: Facebook.  Facebook, the mega-successful upstart start-up that made its’ shady creator billions is currently imploding.  Many of you are probably thinking “huh?”–but you just haven’t noticed it yet.  Everything that made Facebook great is being taken away in the pursuit of a couple of extra advertising dollars.  Well, enjoy those extra ad dollars FB; you’re gonna need them!

 As most FB users know, FB has a really bad habit of “changing” features and formats.  Usually for the worse.  But most times these changes are announced, so yeah it’s annoying but it’s usually temporary, or the changes actually help.  There’s also other problems like the incredible amount of spam and viruses that the FB team seems to tolerate as they chase those advertising dollars.  At least one of my friends gets a virus or hacked every single day, and apparently nothing is done about it.  I protect myself by never answering poll questions, opening applications, or playing any type of Facebook game.

But what has prompted this little tirade of mine is what happened to me yesterday with Facebook.  Now, already I was a little miffed with the previous redesign–the one where they made “Top News” your default feed and you had to manually click on “Most Recent” to get your chronological news feed.  But yesterday I signed into Facebook and my “Most Recent” button was gone and replaced with “Questions”–as if I want to be making poll questions for people to answer.  Answering stupid made up poll questions is the type of thing that most people with an above room temperature IQ avoid, thank you very much.  At first I thought my Facebook was broken–tried clicking around, tried resetting my account settings, etc, with no luck.  Then I Googled “Most Recent is gone” and found out what happened…

Apparently the geniuses at Facebook decided to “experiment” with a “new feature” on about 1% of FB users, without telling anybody first.  Great.  Now if I was asked if I’d like to participate in this little exercise in nonsense I would have said no.  But if they just did it anyway, but let me know prior to doing it and asked me to send them my feedback about these new “features”, I wouldn’t have had a problem with that.  I don’t think anybody would have a problem with that.  But no, that’s not what happened, instead I got my FB fuxxated and no way to get it back.  There are now user groups dedicated to this “experiment”–some people are getting there FB “back” after a few weeks, some after a few days, some not at all.  Many people claim to have deleted their profiles over this.  I’ve personally emailed FB about this issue and how bad it is and have received nothing back but an automatic canned response.  How stupid are these people?  Very!

Just so you’re aware, what has happened is that “Most Recents” is gone.  Now your news feed is a jumbled mess of out of order posts you’ve seen dozens of times already.  If you scroll down about halfway through your screen you might see a gray bar that says “Most Recent” on it.  It is very difficult to see and you will scroll past it multiple times before finding it.  This is where your chronological feed starts.  Pretty stupid huh?  “Hey, let’s scroll through all these posts I’ve already seen 15 times already until I get to the chronological feed” – yeah, that’s what people want to do.  Also, to make it even worse, they’ve removed my Events and Birthday Notifications from the right hand side and have replaced it with a Twitter-like “Happening Now” feed consisting of what your friends and what their friends are doing.  So, if someone you don’t know comments on a post by someone you know, you’ll see the comment from someone you don’t know.  You won’t see the post that he was actually commenting on, but you’ll see the comment.  From people who aren’t your friends.   Again, how stupid are these people?  Very!

So if you use Facebook quite a bit like I do, prepare to have your experience ruined.  Honestly, it’s practically useless for me now.  In fact, my FB iPhone app won’t even work right now–just gets the same posts from days ago and it will not update.  Great job, Facebook. 

For those that might think, “Well, you can’t complain–FB is free!” I’ll say it again in a slightly different way….How stupid are you?  Very!  Business models that depend on advertising that do not keenly and closely listen to their “customers” (yes you are a customer–you are the one that brings in ad revenue for them) do not last long.  It’s just the way it is.  So, for this and other reasons, I don’t see FB lasting more than a few more years as a massively popular social networking site.  Between the spam, viruses, hacking, privacy issues, and the endless “need” to change things that already worked fine, the writing is already on the wall–er, on the “Top News” feed.  I think I’ll just change my FB profile to my website address–if you really want to contact ME, that would be the place to go.

-MM

Well, been away for a little while, out performing in Denver, then a little bit of time off (meaning just working one job for a week).  I take my “comedy eyes” off of the world for a little bit of time and what happens?  Of course the poop hit’s the windmill…

First we have people trying to rebuild their lives after horrific tornadoes and floods devastate the heartland
Next we have some Euro-Trash Frenchie sexually assaulting a maid and living under house arrest in a 30,000 dollar a month apartment in NYC
Then we find out about  Ahhnold’s 10 year old “love child” he fathered–with his maid–and now we get to watch the divorce follies
Now we get a Twitter Weiner surprise, first a “hack”, then a “prank”, then “it could be me”, then the refusal to answer any questions because “I’ve got to go back to work and do the job I was elected to do…” (when have we heard this before?)
Then we get King-Sized Chris Christie’s Helicopter Hi-jinks
Next we get an e coli/cucumber disease killing people in Europe and then spreading over the USA
Then we get the clown-car media chasing Sarah Palin’s bus around the country
Then yet another unexpected weak jobs report (unexpected??? really??)
Still bombing Libya
Itching to bomb Syria
Yeah, man! to bombing Yemen
And Kevorkian just died all on his own, without any help….

And it’s barely June…it’s not even summer yet.  This is going to get real ugly real soon.

Next thing you know, Walter’s gonna start rolling on Shabbos…

-MM

Well, talk about your non-event events!  After months of loons in Times Square, the Bus Terminal, and pretty much everywhere all around world insisting that “Judgment Day” was coming on Saturday–well, nothing happened.  A few isolated but normal tremors, some rain, and another volcano exploded in Iceland, but that’s pretty much normal for this time of year.  So, here’s the top 5 things I’m (and a lot of other people) are going to have to do since the world aint over yet…

1)  Actually file those 2010 taxes:  yeah, you got your extension and you thought you were pretty clever about it–”Yeah, I’ll be sending those taxes in…in a few months! Ha, ha, ha.”  Well, time for a cash advance on your MasterCard…

2)  Actually make a payment on your MasterCard:  well, you’ve dodged their phone calls for a couple of months, and you’re totally maxed out–but now you’re going to need to get back in good standing to get that cash advance to pay those taxes…and the other credit card minimum payments you also haven’t paid.  When you call up MasterCard, try blaming Obama.  If that doesn’t work, demand to a Certificate of Deposit.

3)  Get off the All Junk Food Diet, stop smoking, drinking, driving with my eyes closed, and all recreational drugs.  Bye heroin, been nice knowing ya!

4)  Stop telling the Scientologists they’re all a bunch of fools.

5)  Hurry over to the Home Depot to stock up on lumber for your personal doomsday Ark.  Next end-of-the-world day is December 21st, 2012, and those Mayans are know for their accuracy.  They even made a movie about it with John Cusack…

-MM

Two-handed bowler wows way to state title with weird technique
By Cameron Smith

Tim Wolchko doesn’t want to be considered a revolutionary. Yet what he’s accomplished in winning the New Jersey high school bowling championship is still a significant step toward proving someone can still thrive even while ignoring all unwanted technical advice sent their away.

That’s because Wolchko, an Egg Harbor (N.J.) Township High junior, just won his state’s high school bowling championship while using a bizarre, two-handed technique that looks more like a first grader at his local lanes than a competitive teenager who takes part in at least three bowling leagues at a time.

“It just feels right,” Wolchko told the Newark Star-Ledger. “It’s my form. It’s how I bowl.

“People are always asking, ‘Whoa, how do you do that? Is it comfortable?’ I just tell them it’s how I’ve been bowling since I was 4 or 5 years old.”

With each roll down the lanes, Wolchko uncorks a strange motion that starts with two fingers of his right hand inserted into the holes for the bowling ball, covering the thumb hole with his right hand. He then lets go of the ball with thrust coming from his left hand, using his right fingers to lightly guide the ball’s trajectory while his left arm powers it forward.

The strange technique has served the junior well, with eight perfect games and his 237 in the state finals serving as testament to the fact that he can compete with the best, despite what most consider to be amateurish form.
One of the inspiration’s for Wolchko’s success has been his father, Bill Wolchko, who was a successful prep bowler himself at Saint Peter’s (N.J.) Prep. When the elder Wolchko first took his son bowling at age 4 and 5, other bowlers would ask him when he planned to help teach his son proper technique.

Bill Wolchko’s response is indicative of his son’s approach to competing today.

“What is the right way?” the elder Wolchko told the Star-Ledger. “As long as you stay behind the line and knock down the pins, that’s the way to do it.”

That’s precisely what the teenager is doing these days, all while influencing other young bowlers who watch him succeed from afar. The Star-Ledger found at least one young bowler who said he has become a two-handed bowler because he saw Wolchko’s delivery and was immediately fascinated with how different it looked.

While fellow Egg Harbor resident Matthew Stevens may have tried two-handed bowling out of curiosity, he’s stuck with the technique because he’s been successful with it.

“It started at my brother’s birthday party, and Tim was there,” Stevens told the Star-Ledger. “I saw his style, watched him, and I tried it out. And it really did work.”

If it keeps working for Wolchko, there’s no telling where it might take him. There is already one two-handed bowler on the Professional Bowling Association tour — 27-year-old Jason Belmonte — and Wolchko absolutely believes he could join him one day.

“I was one of those kids who didn’t want to go with the crowd,” Wolchko said. “I wanted to bring my own unique style into how I bowl.
“And if it’s working, it’s working.”