The NCAA Championship Game….what the Hell was THAT?!?
Well, that was the worst championship game I’ve ever seen… the UConn Huskies defeated the Butler Chuckers 53-41 in a game that had to have had the other 62 participants in the tournament thinking “Are You Kidding Me?!?!” At halftime, the score was 22-19…I thought football season was over a long time ago. With brick after brick being offered up by Butler, the boredom got so bad I started flipping around… oh, a re-run of Ken Burns’ “The Civil War” on PBS….flip some more; hey an episode of “King of the Hill” I haven’t seen in quite some time. Finally, I started thinking that anything would have been a better match up to watch than this…so I constructed my own Final Four scenarios which would have been much more exciting.
The National Championship of Condiments, Final Four
After a grueling few rounds of single-elimination competition, there were some surprises (bracket-destroyer Relish upsetting Salsa to advance to the Elite 8 comes to mind) but as predicted the Final Four came down to the pre-tournament favorites, Ketchup, Mustard, Salt, and Pepper. Here’s how the tournament finished….
Ketchup took on Pepper in a close contest. Although Pepper had the advantage of being a long-time powerhouse, Ketchup was able to neutralize Pepper’s bench-depth with an outstanding and creative game plan, which was able to beat Pepper’s classic sneeze-inducing defense. With the game tied at 86 with 3 seconds left, Individual Single-Serving Ketchup came off the bench and sunk two free-throws to put Ketchup up by two. With 3 seconds left, Pepper called a time out and devised one last play. Pepper tried to inbound the ball, but Squeeze Bottle Family Size Ketchup poured himself all over the court and drowned Pepper’s last second hopes, sealing the victory for Ketchup 88-86. Ketchup advanced to the Championship Game.
Tournament favorite Salt advanced over Mustard in a lopsided 98-66 contest. Salt opened the game with a 18-2 run, and never looked back. Mustard’s outstanding point guard Dijon was not a factor at all, and finished the game with only 12 points. The Spreading Yellows were over matched, with All-American forward Honey Mustard sidelined with bad case of the runs. Salt’s outstanding freshman center Sea Salt dominated the boards yet again in this easy victory. Salt advanced to the Championship Game.
The Championship Game was a classic, with perennial favorite Salt taking on the upstart Ketchup team. Ketchup’s razzle-dazzle offense pitted against Salt’s smothering defense and inside dominance. The game went back and forth, and neither team never led by more than 3 points throughout the contest. Salt’s freshman sensation Sea Salt had the best game of his career, besting Ketchup’s All-American center Sugar-Free Family Size. It was a close game until the end, but it seemed that Salt was the better prepared team; almost as if they knew what was coming. This makes sense when you realize that Salt is a critical ingredient in Ketchup. In the final moments, Ketchup attempted it’s patented “Smother Defense” but tournament MVP Loose Shaker of the Salt team was able to cover Ketchup completely, drying out their defense strategy while leaving a bad taste in Ketchup’s mouth. Final score, 92-89 with Salt winning the Championship. After the game, the Salt team engaged in its’ traditional Championship celebration; going out to the parking lot and pouring themselves over slugs, while the Salt’s ecstatic fans cheered them on. What a game!
The National Championship of Alcohol, Final Four
After stumbling through the brackets, we’ve ended up with our Final Four of Beer, Wine, Tequila, and this year’s Cinderella team, Jaegermeister. With some other surprises (a Whiskey forfeit in the elite 8–hungover) the tournament favorite Beer dominated the competition, winning each game by more than 10 points. Would this be Beer’s year again?
The first game pitted Wine vs. Tequila. It was a back and forth contest, with Eastern Conference MVP Cabernet leading the scoring. Tequila kept pace, though, with a great combination of shots, poppers, and mixed concoctions that kept the Wine team off balance for most of the game. By the last 5 minutes of the second half, Chablis, Cabernet, and Merlot had all fouled out–Merlot actually was ejected for launching a tirade of obscenities at referee Jose Cuervo Mezcal– Merlot was convinced was favoring the Tequila team with his calls. Oh well…as they say “en vino veritas”. With three of its’ starters on the bench in the final minutes, Tequila downed shot after shot to seal the win 74-65, then took a much deserved siesta.
The second game featured tournament favorite Beer versus the upstart Jagermeister crew. It was no contest. The combination of Pilsner, Ale, and the speedy Ultra-Light took looked completely unprepared for the assault of Jager bombs and the pinpoint accuracy of Jagermeister’s All-American point guard, 6 foot Redheaded Nazi. Although Beer’s dominate center Boilermaker was a force throughout the game, Jagermeister countered with 3 point Jager bomb after Jager bomb. The Beer team looked unprepared and winded, and with ten minutes left in the game had fallen so far behind they simply gave up. The Jagermeister’s cruised to an easy victory 88-54.
The Championship game paired Tequila vs Jagermeister. This was a fast and furious game, with Tequila’s point guard Sunrise nailing 3 pointers, and Jagermeister’s 6 Foot Redheaded Nazi countering with Jager bombs of his own. The game swung back and forth, until the final 5 minutes when the Jagermeister team suddenly looked disinterested and distracted by cheerleaders and the food vendors at courtside. Sensing something wasn’t right, Jagermeister Head Coach Area 51 called a time out, and consulted with the officials courtside. After some confusion, replays clearly showed referee Jose Cuervo Mezcal had spiked the Jagermeister team’s refreshments with alcohol-drenched Mezcal worms–a clear violation of tournament rules. The Tequila team was forced to forfeit the game, and the upstart Jagermeister team was declared the tournament champion. No one remembers the final score. Jose Cuervo Mezcal is now under investigation by the International Distilled Spirits Association, and the Tequila team has been banned from playoff competition for 4 years.
Hey, this was a lot more interesting than that “Dog” of a game last night!